Mildly Offensive Jokes

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return. She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.

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I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

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Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car
stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

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Just said to the missus…”Hey fat gut..what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get bloody lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”


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I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

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Man shagging 30 stone woman. He says “Can we have the light switched off?” She said “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”

He said “ No….it’s burning my @rse”.

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You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.

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News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

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Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NO BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it
up!
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