Sunday

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FIRST TIME IN A PLANE

Jimmy is about to fly for the very first time and he is a nervous wreck.   He is strapped into his seat, when the cockpit door opens.  The pilot enters the passenger section and with the aid of a white stick, tip-taps down the aisle.  Jimmy is mortified and when the pilot reaches him, he stops him and asks "Excuse me are you our pilot" to which the pilot replies "Yes".   "But your blind" says Jimmy.   "Oh don't worry about that" says the pilot.   "Don't worry" says Jimmy "How the hell can you fly this plane, when your blind".   "Easy" says the pilot "I have a co-pilot and he does all the pre-flight checks, taxis the plane down the runway, when we get to 200mph he hands over to me, and I take off"   "OK" says Jimmy "but how do you know exactly when to take off".   The pilot replies "Well being blind God has compensated me by giving me extra sensitive hearing, and when I hear all the passengers scream Fu....g Hell, I pull back the joystick.

ONLY IN BRITAIN

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescription, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

 

Only in Britain do banks leave both front doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

 

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our rubbish and cheap lawn mower in the garage

INLAND REVENUE AUDIT PADDY

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the top auditor in the office.  The auditor is not surprised when Paddy show up with his solicitor.   The auditor says "Well, sir, you have an extravagent lifestyle and no fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money by gambling.   I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable".   "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it", says Paddy.   "How about a demonstration?".   The auditor thinks for a moment and says "Okay, your on".   Paddy says "I'll bet you a £1000 that I can bite my own eye".   Thye auditor says "No way! It's a bet".   Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.   The auditor's jaw drops.   Paddy says "Now, I'll bet you £2000 that I can bite my other eye".   The auditor can see Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.   Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.   The stunned auditor realises he has now lost £3000. with Paddy's solicitor as a witness.   "Would you like to go double or quits?" Paddy asks.   "I'll bet you £6000 that I can stand on one side of you desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and not a drop will land anywhere but in the bin"   The auditor is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees.   Paddy stand beside the desk, unzips his trousers and strains like hell.   But he can't make the stream reach the bin and almost all the urine lands on the auditors desk.   The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has turned a major loss into a big win.   But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.  "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.   "Not really" says the solicitor "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk, and that you would be happy about it.

 

2 mates 17 years apart

charity dinners

Golf

How did the bad golfer hit two good balls?......He stood on a rake.

Saturday joke

An old man hobbles up to an ice cream van and orders a cornet. Crushed nuts, grandad? asks  the seller. No, replies the oldman. Rheumatism. 

SSM story

The SSM of a highland regimemt goes to a chemists and places a tattered old condom on the counter , How much to repair it asks the SSM, oh dear replies the chemist   its in a bit of a state, i can sew it up there  and glue it here and here,but it will need tape down the sides   and  areally good wash. To be honest  it might be better to buy a new one.  The SSM promises to think about it. Next day he returns and says, i will take one of your condoms please,  i had  a word with the lads and th     ey e reckon a new one would be a good investment.........

joke

Why is an Australian lover like a wombat?   He eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.

MUSLIM TERRORIST JOKES

A Muslim Terrorist in our street, doused himself with petrol, set fire to himself and died.   We having a collection for his family.   So far we've got 80 litres.

 

New website for Muslim Terrorists to keep in touch with each other.   It's called FRIENDS REIGNITED.

bad weather

A motorist is making his way down aflooded road after a night of torrential rain. suddenly he sees a mans head sticking out of a large puddle,he stops his car and asks the man if he needs a lift, no thanks says chap i am on my bike.

Talisman Sabre 2007

Justin is the blonde on the right

The biggest military exercise in Rockhampton, Queensland, Australia with the US Marines and Australian Defence Force.