For your amusement

Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that"

says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to

inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and

talking behind my back".

He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering

years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".

She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing

but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw

20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis

tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for

the show......

　

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my

house. I think he's lost his rag.

　

　

　

　

went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with

2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered

again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I

was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a

coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I

thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was

refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for

the channel said.....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not

understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi

Do.'

I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move.