BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many happy returns of the day to Peter Winfield, hoping that you have enjoyed your day,

With best wishes,

John Atkins

miraculous cure

After many months of unselfish research I have managed to produce a miraculous cure for ASIAN HAEMORRHOIDS.   Also known as POOFTERS BLIGHT.

Many hours of thought has been given to this very irritating condition, many sleepless nights have I pondering an absolute cure. Not only for our Asian sufferers, but also applicable to those other unenviable sufferers from Somalia, Pakistan, Iran and  North Yemen (whom I have met personally in the past).

My cure is absolutely guaranteed to have a lasting effect for all of the poor suffering individuals throughout.

The cure for this ailment is very simple to administer.

The suppository has been called Mills 32, after all the trials undertaken to perfect the result.

The lubricant has been repeatedly tested and perfected in the same meticulous manner as the suppository. The lubricant can be ordered by the name of NAY PALM.

 

An image of the suppository is detailed below and used with the preparatory lubricant will cure this debilitating affliction.

To order by telephone 3825 633 968 27426 2278273

 

 

 

 

 

What a Split Second Looks Like

Attachment: WhataSplitSecondLooksLike.pps

MICHELIN MAN

 

Ever Wonder
about the
MICHELIN MAN'S MUM?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well.......Wonder No More!!!

She was Spotted at a Secret Location in Florida

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wondering !!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let’s have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Diapers for hats

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower

- More than one wife

- More than one mother in law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave

- You can't wash off the smell of donkey

- You cook over burning camel shit

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you and smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??

Well no shit Sherlock! ... It's not like it could get much worse.

Looking back at Amazing Jubilee pictures

One last look back at those amazing Jubilee celebrations . . . as seen by the 'Tail-end Charlie' in Britain's last airworthy Lancaster

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

~ Bill Gates ~

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this.!!!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
*Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one..

Suicide on the bridge

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

  

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want

to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before

you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best

kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could

be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.

YIKES

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they'd become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

 

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

 

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

 

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

 

"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Distinction between Guts and Balls

 
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
“You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Aircraft hits 4 buildings

 

Air Show Disaster Amazing photo shows great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please

FOR SALE

FOR SALE

Corvette Tail Lights,

Good Condition!

 

Found his IPOD in his hands and

his head in the back seat

Isn't TEXT-ING WHILE DRIVING FUN? ????

 

 

B-17 in 1943

B-17 in 1943

A mid-air collision on February 1, 1943, between a B-17 and a German fighter over the Tunis dock area, became the subject of one of the most famous photographs of World War II. An enemy fighter attacking a 97th Bomb Group formation went out of control, probably with a wounded pilot then continued its crashing descent into the rear of the fuselage of a Fortress named All American, piloted by Lt. Kendrick R. Bragg, of the 414th Bomb Squadron. When it struck, the fighter broke apart, but left some pieces in the B-17. The left horizontal stabilizer of the Fortress and left elevator were completely torn away. The two right engines were out and one on the left had serious oil pump leak. The vertical fin and the rudder had been damaged, the fuselage had been cut almost completely through connected only at two small parts of the frame and the radios, electrical and oxygen systems were damaged. There was also a hole in the top that was over 16feet long and 4 feet wide at its widest and the split in the fuselage went all the way to the top gunners turret.

Although the tail actually bounced and swayed in the wind and twisted when the plane turned and all the control cables were severed, except one single elevator cable still worked, and the aircraft still flew - miraculously! The tail gunner was trapped because there was no floor connecting the tail to the rest of the plane. The waist and tail gunners used parts of the German fighter and their own parachute harnesses in an attempt to keep the tail from ripping off and the two sides of the fuselage from splitting apart. While the crew was trying to keep the bomber from coming apart, the pilot continued on his bomb run and released his bombs over the target.

When the bomb bay doors were opened, the wind turbulence was so great that it blew one of the waist gunners into the broken tail section. It took several minutes and four crew members to passim ropes from parachutes and haul him back into the forward part of the plane. When they tried to-do the same for the tail gunner, the tail began flapping so hard that it began to break off. The weight of the gunner was adding some stability to the tail section, so he went back to his position.

The turn back toward England had to be very slow to keep the tail from twisting off. They actually covered almost 70 miles to make the turn home. The bomber was so badly damaged that it was losing altitude and speed and was soon alone in the sky. For a brief time, two more Me-109German fighters attacked the All American. Despite the extensive damage, all of the machine gunners were able to respond to these attacks and soon drove off the fighters. The two waist gunners stood up with their heads sticking out through the hole in the top of the fuselage to aim and fire their machine guns. The tail gunner had to shoot in short bursts because the recoil was actually causing the plane to turn.

Allied P-51 fighters intercepted the All American as it crossed over the Channel and took one of the pictures shown. They also radioed to the base describing that the empennage was waving like fish tail and that the plane would not make it and to send out boats to rescue the crew when they bailed out. The fighters stayed with the Fortress taking hand signals from Lt. Bragg and relaying them to the base. Lt. Bragg signaled that 5 parachutes and the spare had been "used" so five of the crew could not bail out. He made the decision that if they could not bail out safely, then he would stay with the plane and land it.

Two and a half hours after being hit, the aircraft made its final turn to line up with the runway while it was still over 40 miles away. It descended into an emergency landing and a normal roll-out on islanding gear.

When the ambulance pulled alongside, it was waved off because not a single member of the crew had been injured. No one could believe that the aircraft could still fly in such a condition. The Fortress sat placidly until the crew all exited through the door in the fuselage and the tail gunner had climbed down a ladder, at which time the entire rear section of the aircraft collapsed onto the ground. The rugged old bird had done its job.

Interesting Mind Game

 

Can you see the girl sitting and the boy hugging her neck?

See again - it is actually the other way round!!!

Which side of your brain is being used?

You will enjoy this if you are using the right side of your brain, I think this is very good.

Stare at this picture carefully and you will see this man turn his face.

Well I didn't know that!!!!!

> Well I didn't know that!!!!! Well you probably know some of these, especially if you're English


There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have
a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after
a fair trial of course) to be hanged

The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an
armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the
prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.
If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.
So there you go.. More bleeding history.


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all
pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the
tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but
worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford
to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to piss in"
and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath
in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since
they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to
hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.


Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood
underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
(straw) on floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened
the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was
placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)


In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for
dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then
start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:
''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot,
nine days old''.


Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It
was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
talking and ''chew the fat''.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for
the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
''The Upper Crust''.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see
if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take
the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they
would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
graveyard to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the
Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !

They do grow on trees

This is actually a vegetable growing in Brazil called"Chuchu" pronounced shoo-shoo.

Well well well....They DO grow on trees~

I've already booked in for a transplant

Banking Crisis!!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this
year only two banks will be left operational....the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!!
And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Two whales

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.. He recognizes it as
the whaling ship that killed his father.

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that
killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the
ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew
enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh
no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"

WATERLOO

http://www.waterloo200.org/

If you are interested in the 200th anniversary of Waterloo, try logging on to the web site link

John

Singapore stn 61- 62.mp4

Compo, the food of Plenty.......

In Recce Troop we always carried plenty of Curry powder, it gave any meal that extra Taste & Warmth on a cold night..........

Stops them every time....

AND NO PARACHUTE!

MID-AIR REPAIR

Take a look at this film. Fabulous footage, although grainy due to time and bad equipment in those days compared to today; but what nerve this gal had.

Gladys Ingles was a member of a barnstorming troupe called the 13 Black Cats in the 1920s.

Ingles was a wing walker; in this film, she shows her fearlessness in classic barnstorming fashion to save an aeroplane that has lost one of its main wheels.

Ingles is shown with a replacement wheel being strapped to her back, and then off she goes as "Up She Goes," a duet from the era, provides the soundtrack.

Ingles transfers herself from the rescue plane to the one missing the main landing gear wheel, only a few feet from a spinning prop. She then expertly works herself down to the undercarriage. It's certainly a feat most mechanics wouldn't even try on the ground when the engine is running.

Attachment: Gladys_Ingle_of_the_13_BLACK_CATS_changes_planes_in_mid-air.wmv

Probably the best poster on the London Underground

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many happy returns of the day to Stuart Mackay on the 21st June, have a good day Stuart and hoping that you have many more,

With best wishes,

John Atkins

Recce gets a visit from RSM Watorski

A gentleman some of you may have known

I was asked at the reunion to post this, It has been my pleasure.

It's hell to be old

OLD people have problems that you haven't 
even considered yet!

      
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical 
exam. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take 
this jar home and bring back a semen sample 
  tomorrow.'  

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared 
  at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, 
  which was as clean and empty as on the  
  previous day.  

The doctor asked what happened and the man 
  explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried 
  with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried 
  with my left hand, but still nothing.  

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with 
  her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  
  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
  then with her teeth out, still nothing.  

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door 
  and she tried too, first with both hands, then an 
  armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between 
  her knees, but still nothing.' 

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'    
    
The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get   the jar open.'

Brazil here I come !!

I don't know about you, I have often thought about going to live in a country that isn't expensive; cheap food, housing, good climate. this video has has given me the impetus to up-sticks and take the plunge !!!

Attachment: BrazilsMissGrandmotherCompetition.pps

IF IT WASN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE LAUGHABLE!!!

10 yrs ago Bob Hope died

5 yrs ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It.

Reunion 2012

Others have posted their images on the site so here are those that I took.

The week-end reunion

I hope that you all enjoyed the reunion, I have to say that it was a big surprise to me that Brian Allen came up with the presentation of the picture that has been posted on the BB, I was so surprised that I was lost for words which is not hard for me, but I will say to you now Brian please do not do that to me again without some kind of warning, but it was very good of you to think of me, but I organise the reunions because I enjoy doing it and to see everyone enjoying themselves is all that I need to see, I am now looking forward to starting all over again and look forward to you all giving me your names for next year so that I can make my list for 2013.

John Atkins

JOHN DUFTON CYPRUS

TANKY,CHESS,DUFFY,PLUMMY

TIDWORTH B SGD

1ST ROYAL DRAGOONS B SGD

Missing presumed Fred.

 This weekend an alert has been issued by Home HQ. All Pie Eel and Liquor shops nationwide have been formally warned to watch out for someone calling himself Collingwood in their vicinities. Apparently he was last seen pushing a barrow of whelks up the M6 shouting "Lichfield here I come" at startled motorists. Shopholders are warned not to approach this man as he is pretty useful on a 30 Browning and can turn funny very easily.
Sorry you couldn't make it pal. Grid Reference Problems ???
Phil

Photo Album 2012-06-17

Waterloo Memorial Service

The presentations after the service.
Sunday 17/06/2012.

Old Royals.

Immigrant to sue UK for making him UNHAPPY

Immigrant to sue the UK for £11 million - for making him UNHAPPY

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2160578/Immigrant-sue-UK-11-million--making-UNHAPPY.html

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...

   Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, thirty nine gypsies from Dale Farm, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their backsides, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, twenty eight rioters with appeals pending and a Muslim taxi driver. ..........................................................................





FOR THE LAST TIME...THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

ARE YOU HAVING A BAD DAY

Things Got You Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

There now, Feeling Better?

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

With age comes wisdom.

All the guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

Hello -- I have questions!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles,
Then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

 

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

 

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

UnhappyMuslims

 

The Muslims are not happy! They're not happy in Gaza . They're not happy in Egypt . They're not happy in Libya . They're not happy in Morocco . They're not happy in Iran . They're not happy in Iraq . They're not happy in Yemen . They're not happy in Afghanistan . They're not happy in Pakistan . They're not happy in Syria . They're not happy in Lebanon . So, where are they happy? They're happy in Australia . They're happy in England . They're happy in France . They're happy in Italy . They're happy in Germany . They're happy in Sweden . They're happy in the USA . They're happy in Norway . They're happy in every country that is not Muslim. And who do they blame? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves. THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN! AND THEY WANT TO CHANGE THEM TO BE LIKE THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY. Excuse me, but how stupid can you get

Flag Day & US Army Birthday Parade, Dedham, MA.

Salute to all Old Comrades of Royals on the Reunion. I raise a glass to you and God Bless you all.........

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

The passing of another year is one thing but did you know you're  more likely to die on your birthday than at any other time of the year? So if my name doesn't appear in your Birthday Greetings message it's not that you're not in my thoughts it's because I want you all to Live another year!

Why over 60s birthdays are deadly:-

Oh, and by the way, try to avoid anything errr.. stressful

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many happy return of the day on Wednesday 11th, to James Paul, hoping that you have a good one, but go steady on the Jameson.

With best wishes,

John Atkins

Heart Attack CPR

This could be of help to you if you are unlucky enough to have a heart attack while you are on your own !!

Attachment: HeartAttack12.pps

5 Minute Management Course

 

Lesson 1 : A priest offered a Nun a lift...  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....  The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.   The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'  The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'  Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.  On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'  Moral of the story:   If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.  Lesson 2 :   A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'     'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk..  'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..'  Poof! She's gone.  'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in  Hawaii  , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.  'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'  Moral of the story:   Always let your boss have the first say.  Lesson 3 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.  A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'  The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'   So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.  Moral of the story:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.  Lesson 4   A turkey was chatting with a bull.  'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'     'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.  It's full of nutrients.'  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..  Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.  Moral of the story:   Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...   Lesson 5 A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.  While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.  As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.  The dung was actually thawing him out!  He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. ..     Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.  Moral of the story:   (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!       THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.