CHINESE CYBER WARFARE

This weeks MOD Oracle states that the Chinese are very advanced in their Cyber Warfare capabilities.   They are hacking into Goverment computers etc.   Who knows they may well be reading this message, so take care what you post on this BB.    Just incase they have hacked into this BB, I'll have a large portion of chicken curry with fried rice and prawn crackers.

IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE

The perils of English as a second language!Seen outside a Bangkok temple :

 

"Ir is forbibben to enter a woman,even a foreigner,if dressed as a man"

 

Don.

MILITARY LANGUAGE CONVERSION CHART

NAVY                                      ARMY                              AIR FORCE

 

Heads                                        Bogs                                 Powder Room

Pit                                              Bunk                                 Queen Bed & Duvet

Pussers Cook                             Mess Cook                       Contract Chef

Wet                                            Brew                                 Double Espressso

No 4's                                         Civvies                              Casual attire

Seaman                                       Private                               Bobby/Jimmy

Chief                                           SSM                                  Timothy/Justin

Captain                                       Colonel                               Rupert/James

Defaulters                                    Orders                                The naughty step

Mess/Cabin                                 Barracks                             Self contained flat

Kecks                                          Underwear                         Knickers

DQ's                                             Detention                           Grounded

Lid/Cap                                        Beret                                  Optional

Stores                                           QM's Store                         Next for Men

Hammered                                     Pissed                                Oops, little tipsy

Detachment                                    Deployment                        Huh?

Die for your country                       Die for your mate                Die for air con

Shipmate/Oppo                              Mate/mucker                      Honey/Babe

Pussers Sandals                              JC sandals                          Patent leather shoes

SBS                                               SAS                                    Librarian

Shore Patrol                                   Monkeys                             Chaperones

Ooh Rah                                         Hoo Ah                               Jolly Good

Bag Meal                                        24 hr Ration Pack                Al La Carte

Chop one off                                   Salute                                   Wave

Parade Drill                                     Drill Practice                        What?

RNFT                                             BFT                                     Ping Pong Comp

EWO                                              RSM                                    OIC Cuddles

Midshipman                                     Officer Cadet                        Debutante

Jack Tar                                           Squaddy                               Raffy Chappy

derek

derek

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NOAH'S ARK - THE REBUILD

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.  Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans".

 

He gave Noah the drawing, saying "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.    "Noah" he roared, "I'm about to start the rain!   Where is the Ark?

 

"Forgive me, Lord" begged Noah, "but things have changed.   Although I had no problem getting Outline Planning Permission to build it on a flood plain, I need Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.   My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.   We then had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

 

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.   I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

 

Getting the wood was another problem.   All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl.   I tried to convince the environmentalists that I need the wood to save the owls - but no go!

 

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.   They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.   They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.   I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled Polish carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

 

The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons.   They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark building experience.

 

To make matters worse, HM Revenue & Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to flee the country illegally with endangered species.   So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish the Ark".

 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked "You mean you're not going to destroy the world"

 

"No" said the Lord.   It looks like Blair and Brown have beat me to it.

COMPUTER LITERACY

For those of us who have problems, we may not be as dumb as we think.   Spare a thought for some of these people, who contacted Technical Support:-

 

Tech Support     Click on the 'my computer icon' on the left of the screen.

Customer     Your left or my left

 

Customer    I have problem printing in red

Tech Support    Do you have a colour printer?

Customer     Aaaah ................ thank you

 

Customer     My keyboard is not working

Tech Support     Are you sure it's plugged into the computer

Customer     No, I can't get behind the computer

Tech Support     Pick up the keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer      OK

Tech Support     Did the keyboard come with you

Customer     Yes

Tech Support     That means the keyboard is not plugged in

 

Customer     I'm writing my very first email

Tech Support    OK, and what seems to be the problem

Customer     Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle round it.

Birthday

Dont forget its your sons birthday on the 28th Derek

Australia by foot

The Route by phone camera

Singapore

Are there any gentlemenn of the Singapore vintage,who has any pictures of  the Gurhkas chopping off  buffaloes and goates heads in their kukri competions my oldman had loads ,since lost in time ,I can remember seeing them doing them           on the drill square as their Pipe Band played on, There must be loads of Singapore, Malaya.......Stuart

Flys

A boy fiy sees a cute girl fly land on a pile of turd. He buzzes down and says, Excuse me, miss is this Stool taken.

IRELAND'S WORST AIR DISASTER

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning, when a small two-seater Cessan plane crashed into a cemetery.   Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far.   They expect the number to increase, as digging continues into the night.

Sunday

This message has been deleted by the author.

FIRST TIME IN A PLANE

Jimmy is about to fly for the very first time and he is a nervous wreck.   He is strapped into his seat, when the cockpit door opens.  The pilot enters the passenger section and with the aid of a white stick, tip-taps down the aisle.  Jimmy is mortified and when the pilot reaches him, he stops him and asks "Excuse me are you our pilot" to which the pilot replies "Yes".   "But your blind" says Jimmy.   "Oh don't worry about that" says the pilot.   "Don't worry" says Jimmy "How the hell can you fly this plane, when your blind".   "Easy" says the pilot "I have a co-pilot and he does all the pre-flight checks, taxis the plane down the runway, when we get to 200mph he hands over to me, and I take off"   "OK" says Jimmy "but how do you know exactly when to take off".   The pilot replies "Well being blind God has compensated me by giving me extra sensitive hearing, and when I hear all the passengers scream Fu....g Hell, I pull back the joystick.

ONLY IN BRITAIN

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

 

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescription, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

 

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

 

Only in Britain do banks leave both front doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

 

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our rubbish and cheap lawn mower in the garage

INLAND REVENUE AUDIT PADDY

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the top auditor in the office.  The auditor is not surprised when Paddy show up with his solicitor.   The auditor says "Well, sir, you have an extravagent lifestyle and no fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money by gambling.   I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable".   "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it", says Paddy.   "How about a demonstration?".   The auditor thinks for a moment and says "Okay, your on".   Paddy says "I'll bet you a £1000 that I can bite my own eye".   Thye auditor says "No way! It's a bet".   Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.   The auditor's jaw drops.   Paddy says "Now, I'll bet you £2000 that I can bite my other eye".   The auditor can see Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.   Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.   The stunned auditor realises he has now lost £3000. with Paddy's solicitor as a witness.   "Would you like to go double or quits?" Paddy asks.   "I'll bet you £6000 that I can stand on one side of you desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and not a drop will land anywhere but in the bin"   The auditor is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees.   Paddy stand beside the desk, unzips his trousers and strains like hell.   But he can't make the stream reach the bin and almost all the urine lands on the auditors desk.   The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has turned a major loss into a big win.   But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.  "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.   "Not really" says the solicitor "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk, and that you would be happy about it.

 

2 mates 17 years apart

charity dinners

Golf

How did the bad golfer hit two good balls?......He stood on a rake.

Saturday joke

An old man hobbles up to an ice cream van and orders a cornet. Crushed nuts, grandad? asks  the seller. No, replies the oldman. Rheumatism. 

SSM story

The SSM of a highland regimemt goes to a chemists and places a tattered old condom on the counter , How much to repair it asks the SSM, oh dear replies the chemist   its in a bit of a state, i can sew it up there  and glue it here and here,but it will need tape down the sides   and  areally good wash. To be honest  it might be better to buy a new one.  The SSM promises to think about it. Next day he returns and says, i will take one of your condoms please,  i had  a word with the lads and th     ey e reckon a new one would be a good investment.........

joke

Why is an Australian lover like a wombat?   He eats, roots, shoots, and leaves.