The flight

There were three Black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

 

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all , but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.'


'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked? 

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.' 

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties.' 

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked. 

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.' 

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties...' 

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. 

 

 

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box FIRST.'

 

---

Find car news, reviews and more Looking to change your car this year?

Getting in

I think I'm getting the idea of this now. Still got nothing t say though.

Paddy

where are they now

does any one know the whereabouts of pat bell

English footie team

Young iraqi lad signs pro contract for England team (grandad was british) brings his family to live here, scores hat trick on debut against Spain, and gets carried off shoulder high.....he rings home all excited to tell his mum the good news, and asks how the family are....how are we says his mum....the house has been bombed, your dad been shot, your sister been raped. the car been burned to a fu**ing crisp, and ive been bloody mugged and robbed at gunpoint.....why the f**k did you bring us to England you little twat???

Paddy H

OK YOU ASKED FOR IT

6 CHAT UP LINES THAT PADDY USES

1. DID U FART? CAUSE U JUST BLEW ME AWAY

2.ARE UR PARENTS RETARDED, CAUSE UR SPECIAL

3. MY LOVE FOR UIS LIKE DIARRHEA, I JUST CANT HOLD IT IN

4.IS THERE A MIRROR IN UR KNICKERS? CAUSE I CAN SEE MYSELF IN THEM

5.YOUR BODY REMINDS ME OF A SPANNER......EVERYTIME I THINK OF U MY NUTS TIGHTEN UP

6.U MIGHT NOT B
THE BEST LOOKING GIRL HERE BUT BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY:-)

PADDY H

EASIEST QUIZ EVER???????

I am putting this Quiz up for our local charity,the answers will be sent to those who make a small donation,1GBP at least please.
1. HOW LONG DID THE HUNDRED YEARS WAR LAST.
2. WHICH COUNTRY MAKES PANAMA HATS.
3.FROM WHICH ANIMAL/S DO WE GET CATGUT.
4I. N WHAT MONTH DO THE RUSSIANS CELEBRATE THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION.
5. WHAT ARE CAMEL HAIR BRUSHES MADE FROM.
6. WHAT WAS KING GEORGE V1s FIRST NAME.
7THE CANARY ISLANDS ARE NAMED AFTER WHAT ANIMAL.
8. WHAT IS THE COLOUR OF THE PURPLE FINCH.
9. WHERE ARE CHINESE GOOSEBERRIES FROM.
10. WHAT IS THE COLOUR OF THE BLACK BOX IN COMMERCIAL AIRLINES.

Easy Peasy??
Put you thinking caps on.
Bri

when I Die

When I die,I wish to go like my grandad,in his sleep.
Not screaming like the passengers on his bus.
Grumps.

THE FACELIFT

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.   She spends £10,000 and feels pretty good about the result.   On her way home, she stops at the newsagent and buys a newspaper.   Before leaving she says to the assistant "How old do you think I am".   "About 30" is the reply.   "No I'm actually 50" the woman replies happily.

 

A little while later she goes into the chemists and asks the counter assistant the very same question.   The girls replies "28 I would think".   The woman replies with a big smile "No I'm 50".

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting with her the very same question.   He replies "Lady I'm 84 and my eyesight is going.   Although, when I was a lad I could always tell exactly the age of a woman when I felt her breasts"

 

They wait in silence until her curiosity gets the better of her.   She finally blurts out "What the hell, but make it quick".    He slips both hands under her bra and slowly bounces and weighs each breast in the palm of his hands.

 

"Okay, Okay thats enough - How old am".

 

"Lady you are 50".    Stunned and amazed the woman says "That's incredible, how could you tell".    "Easy I was behind you in the queue in the chemists".

 

 

 

IRISH JOKE

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.   Paddy the Police Officer stops them and says "It's illegal to carry 5 people in a Quattro, because Quattro means four".

 

The driver retorts disbelievingly, "Officer, take a look at my papers, this car is designed to carry five people".

 

"You cannot pull that one on me" replies Paddy.   "Quattro means four, you have 5 people in your car and are therefore breaking the law".

 

The driver replies angrily "You idiot!   Call your superior over, I want to speak to someone with more intelligence than you".

 

"Sorry" replies Paddy "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".

POLITICALLY CORRECT JOKES

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China.

Everybody won.

 

Was so depressed last night I rang the Samaritans.   Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.   Told them, I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could fly a plane.

 

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Gordon Brown?     Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

 

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.   She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".    So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

 

party

I went to my first Muslim party today.


Musical chairs was a bit slow but pass the parcel was very fast.

DIGITAL CLOCK

This message has been deleted by the author.

BEST SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?".    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says "F.ck off, ye'll no bring it back".

Morning after pill

Have you heard of the new MALE morning after pill?
It changes your BLOOD GROUP!!
Bri.

Egging him on.

She was in the kitchen,preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

 

He walks in,and she says "you've gotta make love to me right now"

 

His eyes lit up,thought,this is my lucky day,not wanting to lose the moment he embraced her and gave it his all;right there on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she said "thanks",and returned to the cooker.

 

More than a little puzzled,he asks"what was that all about?"

 

She explained "the egg timers broken!".

christmas

1st guy takes a plastic bell to work to decorate the tree.

 

2nd guy takes some decorations for the office.

 

3rd guy takes a pair of Knickers.

 

"Whats that got to do with Christmas asks the boss"

 

THEY'RE CAROLS.

ref Tony Boon

Get well soon Tony think of Wertach & the force 6 in Fredrichaven you were the only one not to have burt legs after that trip from Lindau HeHe.

All the best .

George .

Aussie Wildlife

1. Thommo from crocodile dundee country  Kevin Thommo Thomson walks into a bar with a crocodile by his side.He puts the croc up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.I will make you a deal. i will open this crcocodiles mouth and place my private parts ins ide.    Then the crocwill close his mouth for one minute.then he willopen his mouth,and i will remove my todger unscathed. inreturn each of you will buy me a drink.The crowd murmered its approval,Thommo stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers and placed his todger in the crocs mouth,the crowd gasped.After a minute,Thommo grabbed a bottle of beer and smacked the croc hard on the head,the croc opened his mouth and thommo removed his todger unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinkswas delivered,Thommo stood up u again and made another offer.I will pay$100 whos willing to give it a go.A hush fell over the the crowd.After a few minutes silence,a single hand gos up.I will try,Yells a Blonde woman from the other side of the bar,But for Christs Sake dont Hit me so Hard with that bottle.....

JOKES

An old indian chief was asked his wifes name.
He replied "THREE HORSE"
"That`s an unusual name THREE HORSE,what does it mean?"
Old indian Name means ***NAG NAG NAG.

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale, hit Essex in the early hours of today.   It's epicentre was in Basildon.  Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

 

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately 짙30 worth of damage.

 

Several priceless collections of mementoes from Majorca and Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

 

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were also lost'

 

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

 

Radio Essex reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened to Basildon.

 

One resident - Tracy Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.   My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.   I was still shaking when I was spraying on me tan and watching Trisha on the telly".

 

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

 

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Argos and bone china from Pound Stretchers.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

 

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels.    The most needed items are:-

 

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

 

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)_

 

Rockport Boots

 

Any other items usually sold in Primark

 

Required foodstuffs include:-

 

Microwave meals

 

Tins of baked beans

 

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew

 

Remember:-

 

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

 

짙1 buys chips for a family of 9

 

짙6 buys a packet of B & H fags for those still shell shocked

 

Breaking News

 

Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.  They asked "Where you bleeding from".    "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you".