Message from Scouse

Hi John could you kindly pass on my kind regards to all for the support and kind wishes they sent me

Sonny AKA Scouse

BIRTHDAY

Today is Derek's wife Pats birthday, thinking of her on this day with love from all on the Bulletin Board.

  John Atkins

 

 

Pixie's Weekend

What an eventfull weekend. All in all drove 1100 miles round trip From Boston Massachusetts to New Jersey & Pennsylvania back to Boston Picking up my lastest addition 1963 Ferret 00EC11. On the way back in Connecticut, we blew a tire on the Trailer. NO SPARE!!! had to drive 200 miles back tio Boston pickup spare & return Sunday AM. The Good news Mission Completed all arrived back at base safely. Here's a few pic's and some of the goodies that came with it.

How-Did-DeNiro-Do-This-Without-Laughing.wmv

Attachment: How-Did-DeNiro-Do-This-Without-Laughing.wmv

Cursor Thief

WHEN THE GUY ON THE SCREEN STOPS RUNNING, PLACE YOUR CURSOR ABOUT 1/2 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD... ... WEIRD... ...

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

Detained and Branded Racist.

The case of Mr Jones, a former member of the Household Cavalry and a retired fireman.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2106631/Fireman-Sam-creator-detained-branded-racist-burqa-joke-airport-scanners.html

Subject: FW: Few: Proofreading is dead...

 

 

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.     I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny...    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says        Really? Ya think?  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers          Now that's taking things a bit far!    -----------------------------------------------------------  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over          What a guy!    ---------------------------------------------------------------   Miners Refuse to Work after Death  No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! ------------------------------------------------------   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial!   ----------------------------------------------------------  War Dims Hope for Peace   I can see where it might have that effect! ----------------------------------------------------------------   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  Ya think?!  -----------------------------------------------------------------------   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   Who would have thought!  ----------------------------------------------------------------  Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?    ----------------------------------------------------------  Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge   He probably IS the battery charge!  ----------------------------------------------   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   Weren't they fat enough?!  -----------------------------------------------    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   That's what he gets for eating those beans!   ---------------- ---------------------------------   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   Do they taste like chicken? ****************************************  Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half   Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  ***************************************************  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors   Boy, are they tall!  ******************************************   And the winner is....   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead      Did I read that right?  ***************************************************      Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

Collage of Derek

This in memory of Derek

History of the Condom

Interesting piece of history...



In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.



In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the
intestine out of the sheep first.

Irish vs The French!

 The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.  

 

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in   County Clare  ,   Ireland  . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon  treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'
 

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.  

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'  

£50 Nookie

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139.
We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.'

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many happy returns of the day to John Dennahy tomorrow the 21st, Feb, hoping you have a good day and heres to many more.

 With best wishes,

  John Atkins

Derek's Photo

As you will all notice the Photo has been put up on the Welcome page of the BB, I would like to have feedback as to whether you have any opinions before I get back to Multiply if there is anything that you would like changed I.E the phot made a little smaller or to leave it as it is , any suggestions will be much appreciated.

John Atkins

Aussies

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'

Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters Beer.

Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'

'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bluey replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many happy returns of the day tomorrow to Denis Sowerby, hope that you have a good one  and many more in the years ahead now that your ticker is back to normal.

 With best wishes,

  John Atkins

 

 

 

Jim Livingstone RIP. Gunnery School Lulworth

The passing of Major Livingstone MBE

I must sadly report that 512801 Major James Angus (Jim) LIVINGSTONE MBE, passed away earlier this morning (17 February 2012) in hospital in Perthshire, Scotland, aged 68 after suffering cancer of the neck.



Jim served with The Royal Dragoons and The Blues and Royals between 1960 and until August 1993. He was the Quartermaster at Windsor at the time of the Union of The Life Guards and The Blues and Royals in 1992.



The condolences of the Association go to his widow Caitriona and family at this sad and difficult time.




The funeral service for the late Major James Angus (Jim) LIVINGSTONE MBE, who passed away on 17 February 2012 will be held on Friday 24 February 2012 at 2 p.m. at Perth Crematorium, Crieff Rd, Perth, Perthshire PH1 2PE.




THE BLUES AND ROYALS REGIMENTAL COLLECT

O Lord Jesus Christ who by the Holy Apostle has called us to put on the armour of God and to take the sword of the spirit, give thy grace we pray thee, to the Blues and Royals that we may fight manfully under thy banner against all evil, and waiting on thee to renew our strength, may mount up with wings as eagles, in thy name, who livest and reignest with the Father and the Holy Ghost, ever one God, world without end. Amen.

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of In sanity

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of In sanity  

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
      Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
      At Passing Cars.   See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write  ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks

      you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.

5.   Sing Along At The Opera.

6.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run

      For  Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

8.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
         We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9.   PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER 

       AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Final Smile

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary all with very big smiles on their
Faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.


'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making
love to his 20-year old mistress.

Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,
Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

Alzheimer's Test

If you are over 43 yrs old, you MUST take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?1. _ _NDOM2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S| | | | | | | | | | Answers:1. RANDOM2. FORK3. PANTS4. PULSE5. SIX6. BOOKSYou got all 6 wrong... didn't you?You do NOT have Alzheimer'sYou are a Pervert!!

SIMPLE TRUTH

SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say
“congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”

Simple Truth #3
No Underwear – Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on
from the waist down.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see! ‘ he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?’ he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, ‘Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma’s idea.’

HEALTH MESSAGE

 

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a damn. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm a senior. Go around me!

glorious insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

 

 

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

 

 

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

 

 

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

 

 

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

 

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

 

 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

 

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

 

 

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

 

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

 

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

 

 

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

 

 

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

 

 

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

 

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

 

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

 

 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

 

 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

 

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

 

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

 

 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

 

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

 

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

The Lolly With The Little Hole

This should make you smile.  You have to love little kids.
 
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're arse-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room.