Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Wotoski.
Such an unfair world
When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though- she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then....... God, I love my new Taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area, so I've called him Bradford .
If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers, the little bastards deserved it!
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream & put a cherry on my head.
Life was tough in the gateau.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Sunday, 1 July 2012
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS
With best wishes ( Mr Best)
John Atkins
Saturday, 30 June 2012
BIRTHDAY GREETINGS
With best wishes,
John Atkins
miraculous cure
After many months of unselfish research I have managed to produce a miraculous cure for ASIAN HAEMORRHOIDS. Also known as POOFTERS BLIGHT.
Many hours of thought has been given to this very irritating condition, many sleepless nights have I pondering an absolute cure. Not only for our Asian sufferers, but also applicable to those other unenviable sufferers from Somalia, Pakistan, Iran and North Yemen (whom I have met personally in the past).
My cure is absolutely guaranteed to have a lasting effect for all of the poor suffering individuals throughout.
The cure for this ailment is very simple to administer.
The suppository has been called Mills 32, after all the trials undertaken to perfect the result.
The lubricant has been repeatedly tested and perfected in the same meticulous manner as the suppository. The lubricant can be ordered by the name of NAY PALM.
An image of the suppository is detailed below and used with the preparatory lubricant will cure this debilitating affliction.
To order by telephone 3825 633 968 27426 2278273
Wondering !!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let’s have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Diapers for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you and smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no shit Sherlock! ... It's not like it could get much worse.
Friday, 29 June 2012
Looking back at Amazing Jubilee pictures
One last look back at those amazing Jubilee celebrations . . . as seen by the 'Tail-end Charlie' in Britain's last airworthy Lancaster
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
~ Bill Gates ~
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this.!!!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.
Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
*Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one..
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Suicide on the bridge
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
YIKES
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because over the years they'd become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Distinction between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
“You're next, Chubby.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
Aircraft hits 4 buildings
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Sunday, 24 June 2012
FOR SALE
Found his IPOD in his hands and
B-17 in 1943
A mid-air collision on February 1, 1943, between a B-17 and a German fighter over the Tunis dock area, became the subject of one of the most famous photographs of World War II. An enemy fighter attacking a 97th Bomb Group formation went out of control, probably with a wounded pilot then continued its crashing descent into the rear of the fuselage of a Fortress named All American, piloted by Lt. Kendrick R. Bragg, of the 414th Bomb Squadron. When it struck, the fighter broke apart, but left some pieces in the B-17. The left horizontal stabilizer of the Fortress and left elevator were completely torn away. The two right engines were out and one on the left had serious oil pump leak. The vertical fin and the rudder had been damaged, the fuselage had been cut almost completely through connected only at two small parts of the frame and the radios, electrical and oxygen systems were damaged. There was also a hole in the top that was over 16feet long and 4 feet wide at its widest and the split in the fuselage went all the way to the top gunners turret.
When the bomb bay doors were opened, the wind turbulence was so great that it blew one of the waist gunners into the broken tail section. It took several minutes and four crew members to passim ropes from parachutes and haul him back into the forward part of the plane. When they tried to-do the same for the tail gunner, the tail began flapping so hard that it began to break off. The weight of the gunner was adding some stability to the tail section, so he went back to his position.
The turn back toward England had to be very slow to keep the tail from twisting off. They actually covered almost 70 miles to make the turn home. The bomber was so badly damaged that it was losing altitude and speed and was soon alone in the sky. For a brief time, two more Me-109German fighters attacked the All American. Despite the extensive damage, all of the machine gunners were able to respond to these attacks and soon drove off the fighters. The two waist gunners stood up with their heads sticking out through the hole in the top of the fuselage to aim and fire their machine guns. The tail gunner had to shoot in short bursts because the recoil was actually causing the plane to turn.
Allied P-51 fighters intercepted the All American as it crossed over the Channel and took one of the pictures shown. They also radioed to the base describing that the empennage was waving like fish tail and that the plane would not make it and to send out boats to rescue the crew when they bailed out. The fighters stayed with the Fortress taking hand signals from Lt. Bragg and relaying them to the base. Lt. Bragg signaled that 5 parachutes and the spare had been "used" so five of the crew could not bail out. He made the decision that if they could not bail out safely, then he would stay with the plane and land it.
Two and a half hours after being hit, the aircraft made its final turn to line up with the runway while it was still over 40 miles away. It descended into an emergency landing and a normal roll-out on islanding gear.
When the ambulance pulled alongside, it was waved off because not a single member of the crew had been injured. No one could believe that the aircraft could still fly in such a condition. The Fortress sat placidly until the crew all exited through the door in the fuselage and the tail gunner had climbed down a ladder, at which time the entire rear section of the aircraft collapsed onto the ground. The rugged old bird had done its job.
Interesting Mind Game
