Having been taught that your Regiment is your Family & that families are ALWAYS kind ,understanding,full of compasion & sympathy towards each other.let me tell you my story of woe,I hope you pee yourselves laughing at me,I do it quite often,(mind you I also do it without laughing,but more of that later.
Eight years ago in my advanced stage of juvenille delinquency,I bought this 400 year old dilapidated farmhouse with 48000m2 of garden with many old trees an ecological paradise. with ahhs & ohhs they all salivated and said we are not artisans but we are strong and can do all the heavy lifting and demolition you dad are the DIY artisan, & have the money,we will help !!!!
Right then why the hell is narry a Bu***er there when you need them most?
Plans were soon made,it would be a Rhododendron Park with a Lake,& the House would be renovated (just like that !)
Well as my Granfer used ter say "Bain't no fool like an old fool you".....How right he was !
I insisted that it all depended on Mamas blessing. so she flew over from UK when I got back to look it over. but she held her council,& agreed to it This was so she could blame me later. this she done with no holds barred later.
that is the introduction to my odyssey if you wish I'll continue it bit by bit over time Frank
cant wait for the next bit Frank keep it going
ReplyDeletederek
Yea - keep it going Frank,particularly to the bit where the frying pan gets bent over your nut!
ReplyDeleteAll us fellers are holding their breath!
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Don
Frank I think maybe you should write a book of your memoirs as you seem to have had a very colourful life
ReplyDeleteFrank I think maybe you should write a book of your memoirs as you seem to have had a very colourful life
ReplyDeleteJohn me with my memory ? anyhow tis a darn fool as writes a book,........are you sitting comfortable,...Back in Dorset we had to put our little farm up for auction,send the Heifers to market (I said heifers not effers ) sell off our flock of Freesien milk sheep,arrange for our furniture to go into store for 3mths then forward onto Germany,export licences for the Dog & our late son's pony.we found a horse transporter with a modern transporter with special air suspension and because the pony was 30 years old he was to be takento Germany in stages on this transporter with at least two 24 hour breaks in between.in the event he arrived in germany in less than 24 hrs ,dripping with sweat, he died just a few weeks after! the sale went well thanks to Madonna who had shortly before moved to Dorset, off we went back to Germany.I'll interupt the flow of events to tell you a bit about the rhododendron park. my son planted for a client some 14 years ago some rhodos & azealias, she has now decided that she now wants a grass & gravel garden so I inherited 14 mature bushes last night so I had to plant them today, unfortunatly he couldnt remember what they were ( he could of course ask his client but I susspect he is charging her for disposal ) so I couldnt plant a matching colour scheme so I shall probably have to replant them again in the Fall.but that is bringing my collection on famously ,I wonderif I shall ever get it better than Exbury Gardens.that is where I started off some 60 years ago with some work experience,anyhow I 'm Knackered for today see you tommorow. god willing Frank
ReplyDeleteSounds like he's weakening chaps?And its tomorrow now,wheres the next edition?
ReplyDelete-------
Don
Keep going. Keep going.
ReplyDeletePaddy
All very intriguing i agree it shoud be a book
ReplyDeletejohn(jp)
Hey Guys I got a fan club,Don's my" groupy "! he is addicted
ReplyDeleteWell here we are,a couple of days R&R living with our son in his rented flat, we are told that it will take up to 6 months to complete,so we have to make a seperate contract with the vendors so we can start work on the place so they have to pay me if it falls through,more money for the solicitor I 'spose.then we get the key.Time for a detailed survey!
Now let me discribe this place.it had been owned by the same family since 1840 latterly by an unmarried male farmer who was a "Fruit & nut case" who had died intestate 6years previously 43 distant relatives inherited the estate and they wanted money they had sold off most of the estate was left with the farmhouse & surounding land.because it was central to the city they planed to demolishthe house & sell off the land as building plots & make millions.(Oh the greatest plans of mice & men ) in the end this was not allowed by the planing laws. by this time they had stripped the house of any thing that was salable.the central heating,electrics,plumbing, the house water pump the doors even the stair bannisters.from the coach house the herring bone natural stone floor was sold.they even tried to take up the hall floor tiles.on top of this the vandals had been in and smashed the windows there were no services at all and a ruin. and had been unoccupied since the last owner had died.
Firstly we wanted to inspect the outside of the house the gardens were neglected & not been maintained,on the western side ofthe building the ground was covered with 6 years of leaf mould.Suddenly I had the sort of sinking feeling Sadam had ,before the noose tightend but my feeling suddenly slowed & had a squelching feel to it as I sunk I instinctivelyspread out my arms & stopped my fall........you perverts.......youve guessed already.yes I had found the cess pit complete with 400 years of solid Sh+t.I got pulled out & left alone "Humming to myself by a house with no bath or water. having been in the sh*t most of my life I stood wondering how will I get out of this ,then I realised somthing blue & flashing was coming up the drive.they had called the emergency services there I stood sublinely displaying my excess Body Mass Index, being hosed down by the fire brigade they then gave me a paper overall and taken to hospital, there I was scrubed by Nun & male nurse sprayed with disinfectant giving jabs & blood test were taken then I remembered I'd been there before when I got drunk in HK and fell into the paddy field outside the camp . thats it for today can you manage your next wait Don?.....Frank
I think we'll give him a little rest after the memory of his ordeals,but Frank,before the next,don't forget the under arm deodorant!Good reading,keep it up!
ReplyDelete-----
Don
If you keep going it will end up like a book and you say that it is only fools that writes a book so watch how far you take this story or you may have to eat your words ????
ReplyDeleteWell John, I hope you noticed that I purposly never finished that quotation Frank
ReplyDeleteI've been otherwise distracted to bore you kind Gentlemen today with my story so I posted a picture of our country house instead. frank
ReplyDeleteLooks very nice,were you expecting a visit from the tax man?
ReplyDelete-------
Don
Chapter 4 (happy with that Johnie)
ReplyDeleteAs always I cameup smelling like a Daisy .so on withthe inspection as you will have seen from the photo it really 2 houses.the timber framed part is the original and dates before 1607. the brick built part is from 1920-30.So we started on the new part first,it was clear that we must firstly clear all the rubish and strip the walls, so a skip was ordered and my sons and his new Girlfriend pressed ganged all their friends to help.
We had ordered up new windows for this part of the house on spec a few weeks previous & they were due in two days time so we could get the house secured.
Windows are in,rubish out flooring & carpets stripped out .3 bloody skips full.
the electrician has arrived chased out the cable channels made one hellof a mess back to square one.and thats only downstairs !another skip I think
went home with my dear one.she is begining to show signs of depression now ! Greeted by son & he thinks my Heir.grinning he asks us how long our belongings are staying in storage. 3 months says I ."then you will be pleased to know they are parked up on the square in Normandy Bks Sennelager and will be delivered at 9 o'clock in the morning. that was it I wished to F***** I had stayed in that sh*t pit that wouldn't of been any worse than the furry of the woman whose Mother was born in Colditz (how do you spell Divorce in German ) 0500 hrs on site with my son we have to cut back the overhanging branches so the furniture "he calls it a panopticum " I calls it a furniture Van. we were just finished then an uncoth smelly creature comes on the scene & complains about me cuting the trees an it was not alowed because the birds might be nesting
and also I must be quallified to prune trees in germany . you brits think you can do as you please
he immediately regretted that final remark because I had him by the throat & was about to plant him when my son stopped me & explained to him that I had in fact a HND in arborculture & that they were my trees and I could do as I liked with them. this was the first time I met my Neighbour he started & it ended with me taking him and his boss the local mayor to the courts
but that comes later.It is now time for my second glass of Bourgogne vintage 2005 & if I have a second one I may as well finish the bottle.your health gents ,sorry I forgot Ladies. Frank
Never a dull moment Frank,we are waiting for you to get over the results of that bottle before telling us some more!
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Don
Well Frank you certainly know how to impress your Neighbours, don't let the B****ards get you down, so go and finish that bottle of Bourgogne off and get stuck back in again tomorrow.
ReplyDeletepart 5;- I need to let it be known that I do not have a problem with drink. I enjoy it yes but its purely for medicinal reasons.you see I react to asprin as to all anticoagulants,so I have to partake in the consumption of alcohol each day! Docs orders ( in the meantime they have found one that I can take. but he hasn't recinded that order,& who am I to remind him)
ReplyDeleteFurniture arrived and we had it put upstairs ,we can then concentrate on the downstairs part so we could move in.in the mean time we decided on buying a n old caravan as we didn't want to leave our belongings in the house unattended.well I didn't know we would be having thunder storms every night for the next 6 weeks.( silly cow,she never used to be frightened ) evening time came the electrician & my friend the Plumber to help me intall the heating,ready for my state of the art pellet /logs fired boiler. the John Denver look alike specialist for timberframed restoration
and a bricklayer came during the day.the bricky came originaly from Baviria.and was a pain-in-the
and didn't have a clue.so he got the sack with the chimney half finished.its O K I can deal with it.
& somehow it got completed..in our living rooms we progressed with a bedroom ,dining room, a provisional kitchen,(where the living room is now ) the room where the kitchen is now had received the same treatment to the out side walls as in the photo I published today.we had a new water hole drilled for our house water ,only to find that we had a geological fault and that the water wasn't fit for consumption,wasnt fit for washing either as every thing turned orange a provisional shower and toilet was bodged by me .when my Doctor told me he was unhappy with my ECG & I was to go the next day to see the cardiac consultant who told me that I was to no work or sport untill I have been to Hospital for a angiogram.so I went home and put an move on getting the place finished so we could move in ,because I somehow Knew what the results would be, the night before I went in I had just finished laying the floor tiles in the temp kitchen st =100 hrs told my wife how togrout them in so she could tell our son how to do it.in the end she done it herself
cos the boy didn't show his face for a couple of days.the story of my following Bypass OP you allready know from this site a few weeks back I'll let yer into the rest later G'nite Frank
Thanks for another instalment Frank, hoping to hear that you have got it all finished and it has not finished you off.
ReplyDeleteGive it a rest Frank for a few hours(on here I mean)Bags of grit and determination to get so much done with so many problems.We hope to hear in an instalment soon how all is complete and you are living the life of Lord of the Manor!Are you keeping any animals?
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Don
A Happy easter to ALL of you & yours, my son & D.in-law have gone off to france for the w/e it is so blissfully quiet here so me,n,'er are enjoying the holiday untill tuesday. she has been baking today so should have something delicious tomorrow. if I behave myself.
ReplyDeletefor Don Frohe Östern.
Well it smelt of the fires yesterday evening as they rolled their wheels down the hills,we kept the bedroom window closed!Lamb from NZ was on the menu,with green beans from Morocco,new spuds,and my homemade mint sauce!Enough left for tomorrow too.Hope you all had a good Easter,weather here was pretty good,but a shower has just passed us by(April)Best wishes
ReplyDelete-------
Don
I am not sure if it is Xmas or Easter here as the weather is as cold now as it was at Xmas, the forecasters keep trying to tell us it will be mild so I don't know where they are living as we have not felt it yet.
ReplyDeleteDon where did your spuds come from ? mine came from Egypt & dare I say much better than Jersey Royals that are grown under Black plastic. Frank
ReplyDeleteFrank,
ReplyDeleteNever eat Jersey Royals,force grown like all very early spuds and full of nitrate!Wife gets the spuds from a BIO laden,can't remember what its called but they taste great with the mint sauce!The rest of the lamb tasted great today,on a diet for the rest of the week!
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Don
One thing,when Frank is on net you can throw the book away.But you did seem to be a glutton for punishment,now me,I bought a house where everything was new,have put a new kitchen in though and no problems except the energy saving lamps for the first few weeks,soon fixed.So we are waiting for the next installment with bated breath!
ReplyDelete-------
Don
Well Don, are you doubting my sanity?.in the 1st installment I gave you the answer " in my advanced stage of juvenille delinquency "!!!!.
ReplyDeleteBut to help you understand my reasons I'll provide you with a tick list,we can then compare.
in my garden I have;---
at least 12 breeding pairs of nightingales
a meadow of wild orchids,when these have finished flowering they are followed by a mass of meadowsweet in bloom it looks like a "girt" big foam bath.
a corner with cowslips as also with primroses.& numerous "Red listed other wild flowers.
the Great crested newt,and stag beetles.
Moor frogs ( They turn blue in the mating season )
Grass frogs & toads
A Barn owl lives in my attic
3 types of woodpeckers
a resident family of sparrow hawks 4 & 20 x 2 blackbirds (2 pies when H.M. comes to tea )
this year we will celibrate the 200 th birthday of a magnificant oak tree growing 2 mtrs from my door, (I've named it st Barbe pronouced sin Barbe,anybody Know who he was? )
dozens of other veteran trees
a particular simbiotic fungi that at certain seasons gives forth a special odour.
have I mentioned my many bird cherry trees & Philidelphia bushes that secrete their perfume in spring !
All this is situated within the inner city of Paderborn. & there is no other place like it here. as regards to the ambiant pleasures of living in a " Fachwerk House " I will discribe to you later.
today I went for a stroll in my garden I have 2 Kurile cherry trees in full bloom.today you could hardly see the flowers as they were covered with Bumble and harvesting Honey bees.
if my readers are country folk they will understand me. if thats insanity Don thats OK I think we are in the same club. Frank
What is the colective noun for a group of hares I've got those too, & they are welcome even if they eat most of my wallflowers this winter ,well it was a hard winter . if they do it next winter I'll call for swordknot & his Bow and arrow or whatever he prefers to use. Frank
ReplyDeleteHarem???????
ReplyDelete-----
Don
Good try Don ,but apparently its a Trace of Hares. But could we be a convocation of Eagles ?
ReplyDeleteBack to my house. the renovation of the flat for my son went smoothly except untill we discovered that the previous owner had removed some large beams to raise the ceiling in one room.these supported the roof and an external wall. an architect friend of mine said a 4 mtr RSJ had to be installed under the rafters and then secured to the internal wall.it took me 3 mth to get my boy motavated.( wanted me to employ 10 men to get the RSJ up into the upstairs room to get it ready to fit it .For me this was not a problem to do with just the two of us.( I had done,after all a junior NCO's cadre course ) so with a block & tackle and a winch we lifted it on to the scaffold,through the window lifted it onto some tressles. I tied the B & T onto one of the roof rafters . the boy got frightend & left the house .I lifted it into place suported it removed the B&T jacked it up under the roof beams & finally bricked it up the Boy came back .you know what he said. "Weren't you suprised how easy it went in Dad ".was he taking the Micky or what. its the timber frame part next Lads . you'll like that I'M covered in excrement again,so to speak.Frank ps I'm almost finished you will be pleased to hear
Standng by with the Febreeze spray - whose gonna entertain us when you're done?Best of luck on the last leg!
ReplyDelete-------
Don
Have you missed me? Sorry I had to get my medication sorted out & get rid of a few litres of water that had accumulated in my body and sent my blood pressure up a little 220/110 it was self inflicted so I took it easy for a while. are you sitting comfy .
ReplyDeleteI haven't told you how I started to bring my wife out of her depression. I painted the outside of the house it was an old dirty green coloured worn paint so I painted it the present yellow but because I could climb up as high as the eves without getting vertigo probably due to the bypass OP so I deligated it to my son who brought in his mate a Mad halfbreed scot the other half is a clog. to help finish it it was when they found that the scafolding didn't reach up to the roof ridge so rather take the scafolding down & move it he put a rope around his chest though the other end into the attic window and my boy secured it to the roof beams he stood on a step lader & painted the remainder.what is Health & safety ?
so into the Fachwerk part as you've seen a lot of the frame had to be replaced that was only minor work in comparison to what was to come 400 years ago the farmers used to live with their animals ,well the dung kept them warm in winter and because their personal hygiene wasn't all that good it served as deoderant I guess. it was the rule in those days fire regs I think Horse on the left cows on the right pigs and man in the middle in the summer the people slept upstairs the floorboards were 1 inch thick loosely fitted on beams about 4 foot apart between the beams was wattle supporting about 4 inches of clay mud whitwashed as the ceiling in between was 400 years of dust decomposed and mumified rats about 6 inches of dryed rat shit the floor boards were rotten. the mad Jock van der Scotlander ! was doing the highland swing up above me & you got it, a boot though the floor I was underneath when this bloody girt piece of clay landed on my shoulder and I got the dead rats & rat shit right on my bonce & being very fine dust it when every where there wasn't a part of me that didn't have an inch of rat shit dust on not only that it some how got into every part of the completed house. there was a little woman with an attitute problem. believe me .do you know somthing up untill I took her over to live in dorset I made her wear P:O:W: on her back I had no problem with atitutes then but this bloody farmer next door to us told her that they had set all the POW's free years ago . the sod!. Lucky for me we had by this time water and a brand new super bathroom. and gallons (or should that be litres )of hot water
cleaned up went upstairs to see the damage caused we found he had put a piece of "Plasterboard " over the hole in the floor.( I really think he hates me ) then from there we went up a rickady lader through a trapdoor in to the attic shouted oh !!! for sucks sake ( or words to that effect) tea time I'll think about that overnight before I go up there. see you all tomorrow gents Frank
I once saw a TV programme about building a house "Einmal in Leben",I think they must have pinched the story from you!Now we wanna know what you do in your spare time!
ReplyDelete--------
Don
Its what we would call character building.
ReplyDeletejohn(jp)
before the next instalment, something by-the-way. my son and his wife are working very hard in the garden doing job I tasked him with a few years ago. & pathes are being laid, the trees that he has brought home for fire wood the last 2 years are being split and sawn & stacked in the woodshed he even brought me some rhodos and azalea.every thing is spick & span. and as relatives of mine would say "Smart as a carrot" now where have you heard that before ?
ReplyDeletea marquee and portaloos are aparently on order and almost everyone Ive met here lately tell me they have an invite for a belated wedding reception . well why aint I received an invite ? well it seems that all my D-i-Laws french relatives have been invited, & he says I'm sure to start another Anglo / french war if I come. Well would an ex Royal do a thing like that ? besides I got a plan,I'll wait untill the day before, then tell him he can't have it on my land . is that a good idea? advice requested please Frank
Frank,
ReplyDeleteMust be pretty dangerous for an old Royal to be "entertaining" the French,make sure you hide any Royals Helmets or cap badges,but as its "family"you've gotta allow it on your land.And to stop any French/Anglo war why don't you go with the spirit of the do and drink Cognac!Make a note though of the emergency number - 110.And since everything is as "Smart as a carrot" bet you get bags of pats on the back!
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Don
I have'nt said much about Franks housing escapade,but I have followed it. I'm constantly trying to discover the sanity of it.
ReplyDeletePaddy
so am I Paddy so am I , I'm like Stan Hildred, " Looking for the answer'!
ReplyDeleteYes Don thats a good idea COGNAC ! apparently some of them are big in champaine. na I think I'll stick to Bier or suicide soup (scrumpy to you lot ) but wait out I've got to get an Invite first Frank
ReplyDeleteAfter all thetrials and tribulation you have been through you deserve a dam good party so fill up your glass and have fun and prentend you are 30 .
ReplyDeletejohn(jp)
what do you mean "pretend I'm 30 . that is all I am (times 2,47 ) the trouble is entry is invite only and thats what I havn't got but I've got a plan. as my Rhododenrons & azealia s will be in full bloom by then I shall be standing at the entrance and charging a fee to visit my Garden & my wife will be selling her freshly fried Doughnuts, & when they taste those they won't be going near his party tent. you see no invite no "Visite moi tente " mon ami. Frank
ReplyDeleteDid you know boys that over here they eat doghnuts at New Year,and call 'em Americanos!Not my cup of tea as when I eat them the filling always shoots out on my shirt or pully!
ReplyDelete--------
Don
Don I've always told you that you should wear a bib at your time in life. anyhow its all academic after all because today my D-in-Law told me that allthough I had not replied to thier invitation she assumed that we would be coming. I then had to break the news of what I had planed. (no invite no Visite moi tente ) she looked horified .& jumped up & left the room in minutes she returned withe 3 envelopes & gave them to me,there they were one in german one in english and one in french. my invite. now I cant play the offended Dad and pretend to sulk. but do I get to give a speech in French.? do I speak French ? not really only part of what I learnt at school 65 + years ago. but I could make up something about a heap of merde sitting there and cause a riot,but my son,still smarting after his wifes telling off because he hadn't given us the invite, tells me that the French have heard about me & they will be bringing a portable Guilotine with them. good that I can be (if needs demand, ) a diplomat so back to the old concord. well you win some you lose some .I shall drink to your health gentlemen and smile. unless of course our Eagle Liberation Force is in the area........... Frank
ReplyDeleteDid I ever tell you about how we nearly started a war with the Frogs?Well we used to motor to Cherbourg,park the car under the airport building,and fly off to Guernsey.Now the parking fee per day was 7 Francs,so off we went,6 weeks later we arrived back at Cherbourg,stood in the queue to pay for the car and get our keys back.So,holy of holies,we got the bill,13 Francs per day,and all we could get was a shrug of the shoulders from the Frog I/C.So we organized the rest of the car owners,said in our best French that we were gonna sit here until they get the Boss here,eventually he came,saw the determined look on our faces,and changed the bill back to 7 Francs per jour!!!!!I think he also saw my Royals car badge,which may have helped!
ReplyDelete-------
Don
So now we know who taught the french to be so bloody minded with the blockage of the channel ports & burning our farm produce it was our Don and all for the sake of 6 old cents a day .no wonder he lives in Lippeland, thats where they invented copper wire by turning a pfennig over so many times before they spent it. Frank
ReplyDeleteI forgot to say,the next year when we went to Cherbourg and got back to Detmold I first noticed that the Royals car badge was gone!!!!The next year we could go by ferry,thank goodness.Still keep my peepers peeled though when in Frogland just in case I should meet a Renault with an Eagle sported on the front!U turns are forbidden on the motorway - but!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete----
Don
I'm sorry but I'm still having heart & blood pressure problems but I'll be back with the report on the Attic soon, you remember the part when I told you about my nasty "nachbar- stard " well today his wife held a party celibrating their silver weding. there were allsorts of geriatric women in big cars and it is difficult for them to get into their entry, unless they first come onto my drive . I have a court order preventing them doing this ,a Merc, a BMW and a VW golf tried to turn on the grass
ReplyDeletein front of my gate...... it dosn't look like a swamp.it will be expensive. but I don't think the neighbour of mine minded though he has been dead 4 years . he might be annoyed at what I do on his grave every day. his missus illegally buried him in the garden
here I am back on net. you want a Sitrep ? my cardiac problems were worse than I thought ,my doc told me to stop work and take life easy. I found that following his advice I was going downhill
ReplyDeleteso I thought that if Ranulph Feinnes can climb everest with his heart then I can get on with my house.so started back . my cardic consultant agrees with me and I feeling a bit better allready ,however that dosn't stop him sending me off to the cardic centre to do all sorts of unmentionable things to me. I'm getting thing done but it slower than it used to be ,with lots of sitting down on the job.I'll start with the garden the Rhodos were a picture this year but now sadly have gone over and I'm left with the job of picking off the seed heads.the flower beds are now a profusion of colour the delphiiums are particularly good this year the roses and the mock orange are just coming into bloom these with the ligustrum also coming it will be a perfect sented garden for the bees ( and the hornets we have two nests up in the attic,next to the barn owl 's box )
I've just come in from the garden were I like to sit and listen to the evening birds song.which ends with the full sound of the nightingales.tonight I was sitting looking down the drive , and I saw a Pheasant hen come out of the coppice on the right and stand in the middle of the road after a while a chick came out followed over a period of 15 minutes, an other 4 they then vanished in the "set aside " meadow on the other side.they were followed later by a family of stoats dancing on the hot ashphalt before returning from whence they came.they were then followed by the ferral black cat. they all seem to have lived in this coppice for years in perfect harmony, Paddy are you getting the sanity of actions now , yes life is worth the living. this every evening with a glass of good red wine
my next visit I shall tell you about the visit of my daughter-in-laws French relaltions and
la batail du "Jagermeister" (another battle that The Royals won! )
I was starting to think you had emigrated,take it easy on that ticker,we all don't get any younger,yes its great to sit outside and see and smell all around you,never thought I'd be such a softie in my old days.And Jagermeister,once while fishing on the Doctorsee a pal of mine popped up to his caravan to have lunch leaving his rod in the water,and while he was away I landed a 28KG Hecht for him - boy - did the Jagermeister flow for the rest of the day.
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Don