Milk and eggs

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read this again!)

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £9.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Chris tmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Subject: Laws of Probability

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is......

Proud to be White 

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer  from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point. This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act.  He makes some very interesting points....
 
“There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.. And then there are just Americans. 
 
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.  You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'.... and that's OK..

But when I call you, Ni**er, Coon, Towel Head,  Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, Paki, Indian or Chink -you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. Martin Luther King Day.. Black History Month…  Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah.  You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.  You have BET....
 
 
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.  If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance'OUR lives, we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.  Wonder who pays for that??

A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know - we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ..  Yet if there were 'White Colleges', that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.  If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.  But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black or Indian drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud.... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
 

There is nothing improper about this e-mail..  Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.  I sadly don't think many will.  That's why we have LOST  most of OUR RIGHTS  in this country.  We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET... but getting very close!  

A new life in Australia

 

This news item comes from Portsmouth, England, there a woman was so depressed, had been unemployed for so long that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a well set up young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy, and who knows what chances will await you when our voyage ends?" With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the forward hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection (captain’s rounds). "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Nice day to go flying ??

What happens when you fly a plane with slight corrosion in the airframe........

 

 

Photo Album 2012-03-23

Ask before you give advice.......

Wife by text to husband at work ............

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

105 Eagle

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

Where did  “piss poor” come from ?
 
 

Us older people need to learn something new every day...
 
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
 
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
 
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
 
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
 
Here are some facts about the 1500's
 
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
  
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
 
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
 
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
 
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
 
Last of all the babies.
 
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
 
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
 
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
 
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
 
Could mess up your nice clean bed.
 
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
 
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
 
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.
 
(Getting quite an education, aren't  you?)
 
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
 
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
 
Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
 
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
 
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
 
They would cut off a little to share with guests
 
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
 
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
 
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
 
Bread was divided according to status.
 
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
 
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
 
Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.
 
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
 
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
 
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
 
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell;  thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.
 
And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
 
'What the heck happened?'
 
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.
  
Smile, it gives your face something to do!

For those that like drink a few BUDS.

These wouldn't make the commercial break slot on the telly...........

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Proud to be a Yorkshire Person..........

A friend sent me this, and I'd thought if I share it with you it will make you smile on this Monday morning like it did me..

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Lancashire (UK) scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Cumbrian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Windermere Times : "Cumbrian archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Lancashire ".

One week later, the Yorkshire Post reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Pickering , North Yorkshire , Amos Thwaite, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely sod all. Amos has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Yorkshire had already gone wireless."

It makes you bloody proud to be from Yorkshire

Life is short, make every second count

This will bring back a few memories, greasy overalls & dirty hands, blisters. Have spent this past week getting the Ferret ready for painting.

BIRTHDAY GREETINGS

Many Happy returns of the day tomorrow to Patrick Howlett, hoping you have a good one and many more to come,

 With all best wishes,

  John Atkins

The Best Diet Yet

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
Rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

The Aborigine Tracker

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End on their way to Kakadu.
He was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, or beneath the
sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Then, later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered an Aborigine lying in the middle of the road.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Chrysler Valiant. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel.
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer.
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about 15 minutes ago!"

NEWS FLASHES

1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...

2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related...

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Church Ladies With typewriters are at it again!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Sharlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

SpitfireBeer

Attachment: SpitfireBeer.pdf

Subject: A man was walking home ...

 

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...


Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him


FASTER...


FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP. ..



BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.




However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping


Clappity-BUMP...



Clappity-BUMP...


Clappity-BUMP...





On his heels, the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.






Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at it...


And,




(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)









The coffin stops!